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A dirty book is rarely dusty.

The thoughts of a thoughtful person.

8/1/09 07:26 pm - I never post here anymore


if you're interested in my blog follow this link: www.stephazor.tumblr.com

8/1/09 07:23 pm - I never blog here anymore.


If anyone is interested in my blog follow this link: www.stephazor.tumblr.com

6/18/09 06:35 am - Writer's Block: I Can Relate

What fictional character do you most identify with?


View 508 Answers

Hannibal Lecter.

6/13/09 08:01 pm - Poetry


YESTERDAY


ideas burning up like the ash
of your cigarette into my empty glass
a cheap thrill and it’s gone in an instant
but from that moment you’re addicted
to the hope you remember feeling
yesterday

yesterday’s as far away as tomorrow
and even that won’t save you from the sorrow
of wishing you could hold onto a moment forever
saving you time, your love, and your dollars

i’d say that I’m wise, but I know that I’m not
all I know is what I’ve been told,
and even that doesn’t sink in all that much

It’s a peculiar place
inbetween being innocent and jaded
inbetween feeling loved and hated
where all the bad words drip down
and stick like tar to your bones
weighing you down
and every compliment brushes off
as if it never really touched you at all
never made a sound


MOTHER


you can see the bags under her eyes, and she hates them
but not as much as she hates the bags under her breasts

you can see the party in her thighs as she walks up to guys she used to fuck
but she knows all that is over now due to a lot of horrible bad luck

and she sucks on her cigarette and she and takes out her pain
on those who love her and she may seem insane

but you can see that she is tired from the way she walks
she’s ashamed and you can see it in how she mocks

she hides behind make up and hides behind hate
she thinks that she’s right, and that’s okay

you can see her mother in everything she says and does
and she would never be willing to admit she loved

she used to try her best, and now she tries to fight
she thinks the sky is purple, and she thinks she wants to die

you can see in her clothes, that she never grew up
i can see in how she looks at me she wishes i never did.


June 13, 2009 Stephanie Jo Murck.

6/13/09 01:25 pm - No one is happy.

I have that problem too, after all.

I fucking love this weather. Hot and gorgeous.

Today I went over to Zack's house in the morning, and we watched to food channel in our PJs. Heaven much? He's so wonderful, I can't even start. I am sure everyone hates hearing about boyfriend stuff all the time, but fuck. We've all been there. Or will go there. Right? I hope so anyway. It's a great feeling.

I am going to a wedding today. Should be cool stuff. (:

Talk to you all later! Have a bitchin' Saturday night.

6/4/09 01:57 pm - <3

Oz, eating animal crackers: Oh, look! Monkey! And he has a little hat. And little pants.
Willow: Yeah, I see!
Oz: The monkey’s the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that?— You have the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen. (Willow is surprised, Oz breezes past it)— So, I’m wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like, is the hippo going, “Hey, man, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity!” And you know the monkey’s just, (French accent) “I mock you with my monkey pants!” And there’s a big coup in the zoo.
Willow: The monkey is French?
Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn’t know that?
— (What’s My Line Pt. 2) Buffy the Vampire Slayer

5/26/09 09:24 am - Some things


  1. I love glitter.
  2. I secretly hope to attend a royal ball someday, even if I’m just there as an undercover reporter and have to bribe a staff person to get in.
  3. I don’t even know if they have royal balls anymore. I mean, some of the royals must have balls, right? Or else there wouldn’t be any royals anymore! 
  4. I love gum. Especially the snapping bubbles part. This annoys everyone around me. 
  5. I hate to dust. And to clean bathrooms.
  6. I used to want to be an opera singer.
  7. I want to have lakefront property. 
  8. I love dancing, especially the twirling part.
  9. Half of the time I am very afraid to do anything.
  10. And the other half I am reckless and fearless for no apparent reason.
  11. I am only becoming more and more apathetic over time.
  12. I love swimming. I really adore it.
  13. I worry a lot.
 
 

5/23/09 09:36 pm - Water..Fire... who knows.

Okay so I have been swimming a lot lately, and it made me rekindle my love of water. I just adore swimming and water so much. I love being in it and around it.
So I figure I must be a water elemental, right? I mean, if you buy into all of that...
But then according to every quiz I take and all of the stuff I read about it, I apply most to a fire elemental.
Well that's just silly. I don't even like fire that much. I love heat and sun though. So I don't know.
Maybe it's like an opposites attract sort of thing. I am a fire elemental, so I love my polar opposite, water?
Hm... hm indeed...

What kind of element do you think you are?

5/20/09 01:06 pm - Writer's Block: All About My Mother

Who is your favorite mother (the character, not the actress) from television or the movies?


View 501 Answers

Lorelai Gilmore from the Gilmore Girls. She's totally like me. Ahaha.

5/19/09 12:13 pm - Writer's Block: Space Wars

Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica, Serenity, Alien, 2001—there is a long list of movies and TV shows that take place in space. Which is your favorite?


View 501 Answers

Firefly and Serentiy, of course. Haha. Joss Whedon for the win.

But Star Trek and Star Wars are fantastic too, and I like Outlaw Star. (Space pirates, anyone?) (:

5/16/09 09:34 pm - Self destructive little girl


"you self destructive
little girl
pick yourself up
don't blame the world
so you screwed up
but your gonna be ok
now call your boyfriend
and apologise
you pushed him pretty
far away last night
he really loves you
you just don't always love yourself.

all this time
all this time
you have had it in you
you just sometimes need a push
"

I love it when I find a song that gets me. It's a good thing.

I really could go for some dippin' dots.



5/13/09 09:29 pm - Stress, schedules, and never enough time. (Me complaining...)

I am SO busy lately. I am never home. Not that I mind, but it's not a good thing. I have so much homework, and I never go home after school. And I am busy everyday of the weekend, I have TWO projects that are BOTH due on monday, that I have hardly worked on. Oh, and a video I haven't done anything for in Photo due Friday.

I am fucked, basically. I am going to Prom on Friday night, Saturday I have volunteer work and Art-O-Whirl, and Sunday I have to do my french project and I have church. It's obnoxious, it really is.

I don't know how I maintain my grades, because I have been doing my homework the class before it's due. And I hardly study. And It's just not a good stiuation.

I mean, I have chill time, like when I hang out with Zack and whatever. But lately that has just been tiring me out, because... you know. Awesome as it is, It's tiring.

Tomorrow is bike to school day, and I don't have anyone to bike with... I don't know if I even will... eh. I want to, and I don't. I also have the France Trip meeting tomorrow at 6:00.

My planner is a freaking mess of scribbles and reminders.

I was supposed to be watching my neighbors cat this week, but I totally forgot about because I didn't write it in my planner, and her cat went two days without new food. I feel terrible.

I don't WHEN I'll have time for band practice, we still have to get all our songs tight and in order for recording the album, and we got the news that we could record MONTHS ago. Like, three months ago.

And I have fifty million graduation parties coming up, which is also depressing because a ton of my friends are leaving South, and I may never see some of them again for a long time.

I can't wait until It's summer, and I don't have school and I have free time and sleep time and me time... it will be NICE. God, I can't wait.

after this week it'll be 3, weeks, I believe. Hallelujah.

song of the day: fiona apple- sullen girl

5/13/09 12:31 pm - Final Fantasy IX and the American Passtime.

My favorite video game of all time, hands down, is Final Fantasy IX. And I don't think nearly enough people involved in my life have played it. The story is so great. And the charcaters... gah!

Zidane, the main character, was my very first video game crush. (: (With more to follow, such as Link and Roxas. And Chrono... heh.) He's a thief, a ladies man, a hero, and a romantic. What's not like? Oh, and he gets a big double bladed sword. Hehe.


Vivi is also very cool. he's totally friendly, and totally badass. You gotta love him.


 


Anyhow. I went to a baseball game last night, Minnesota Twins vs. the Detroit Tigers at the metrodome. Suprisingly, I am not all that into baseball so for most of the game... all of the game... me and my friend Sara talked and drank soda. I felt a little bad about it, but the tickets were free, so what the hell, right?
I'd never been to a baseball game, nor had I ever been in the metrodome (our city's big stadium). Wasn't very exciting.

I need to figure out how to make the last three hours of the day speed up. French isn't so bad. Emily isn't here though, so Chemistry will likely be as pleasant as using a sandpaper condom. In fact, that may be more comfortable than the insipid beasts that inhabit my class. ...C'est la vie.

song of the day: nine inch nails- hurt

5/12/09 09:44 am - Dear Stephanie,

In order to make your life better there are a few things you need to do.

1) Start showing up to class more often. I know it seems like a lot to ask for you to sit in an insufferable room for hours upon end when you could be outside in the sun... but you must do this. Or you will fail some classes.

2) Stop losing your I.D, Cell phone, and planner.

3) Remember to write things in your planner.

4) Clean your room. Just because you can find things, doesn't mean you should have all of your gaming books and comics strewn recklessly on your floor like carpet.

5) Stop skipping volunteer work. You aren't going to get into college because you signed up to volunteer, and then actually never did it.

6) Figure out a diet plan that works and doesn't involve the absence of food all together.

7) Excersize more. (Going on runs for instance)

8) Apply for a job NOW. Because otherwise you won't have one over the summer.

9) Do not give into the temptation to cut off all of your hair. You've come this far, let it grow.

10) Stop lying about where you are and what you are doing to your parents. Eventually they will figure out that you are never where you are supposed to be.

11) Remember to charge your cell phone.

12) Remember to take your medication.

13) Stop hitting the snooze button. You need to get up early enough in order to make and drink your coffee, if you don't you will not be happy in the morning.

14) Stop missing the bus and showing up late to 1st hour.

15) Do not give in to your self destructive habits.

16) Practice your french.

17) Practice your piano and guitar.

18) Read all of the books you have been meaning to read, the reading list is only going to grow.

19) Stop thinking about the boy so much.

20) Start looking for a scholarship for college.

21) Stop being so gullible.

22) Stop drinking so much coffee, caffine is really bad for you.

That is all for now.
Is it likely I will do any of this? Maybe. Hehe.

Song of the day: Kuja's Theme song from Final Fantasy IX. Because I was playing that game yesterday, and it is amazing. (:

5/11/09 09:04 am - You know you are far gone...

when you are spending your second hour reading Kirk/Spock slash fan fiction.

Oh dear.

Stephanie! Get ahold of yourself! Your time would be much better spent on Lord Of The Rings fan fiction. Or possibly X-Men. Kirk and Spock... it'll never happen.

*giggle*

5/10/09 10:49 am - Stephanie

I don't really like being called "Steph" at all. Only a few people are allowed to call me Steph, like my family and Sam. I much prefer Stephanie.

But what REALLY irks me, is Stephie. I hate it when my family or anyone else calls me this, and I have always felt this way. Stephie sounds retarded.

I might see Star Trek again today... ha... ha... *goes crazy* I like it.

song of the day: regina spector- love affair

5/9/09 07:46 pm - Oh Snaps.

Star Trek was FANTASTIC. I loved it. I don't want to give spoilers or anything, but I totally cried at the begining and laughed a ton and it had rivetting action and a great story... I am just so happy about it. Go see it, now.

So I walked out of school halfway through the day on wednesday, and apparently the administrators noticed this... and now Regan (who I skipped with) is suspended. But I haven't heard anything about me being suspended, personally. I haven't gotten any phone calls and they didn't tell me at school. So maybe since I have a relatively clean record I am getting away with it? Or they forgot...? I don't really know. I hope I am not suspended. I am sort of worried.
Because if I AM my parents will know that I skipped. And that just wouldn't go down super great... heh. Pray for me, those who are religious?

Today was a good day, started out bad but the majority of it was good. I watched The Outsiders for the first time. Didn't really catch the end though, sadly.

I am going to Queer Prom with Zack. Well, I am sort of going with Zack. We're going to get Colby and Ginger to go, and I am going to be "with" Ginger and Zack will be "with Colby... but really ginger and colby are brother and sister, and me and zack are going out... haha. It'll be fun anywho. And I adore my dress. It's black and tutu-ee at the bottom and pink ribbon halter with pink ribbon bows on it and stuff. yeah...

Tomorrow I am singing a solo at church. That should be interesting.

song of the day: nightwish- bye bye beautiful

5/7/09 07:41 am - Train tracks.

So me and Regan walked out of school yesterday before 5th hour, and walked along the train tracks to the river. That was fun, and it got me out my funk. Which was happiness, because then i got to see Zack. (: I wish I got more time with him in my days... ah well.

I wanna see Gogol Bordello in concert. ): He's coming this may... But I don't know if I can still get tickets.

Gotta catch my bus. ;)

5/6/09 12:24 pm - I'm not sure why...

But I really like this picture.



I worry too much. I need to stop worrying. I am sorry. I don't mean to be the way I am. It was an accident.

song of the day: modest mouse- talking shit about a pretty sunset

I love the lyrics to talking shit about a pretty sunset.

"Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Looking kind of anxious in your cross armed stance
Like a bad tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim Im not excited with my life any more
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is its myself
And Im trying to understand myself
And pinpoint where I am
By the time I get things figured out
Ive change the whole damn plan
Oh noose tied myself in, tied myself too tight
Talking shit about a pretty sunset
Blanketing opinions that Ill probably reget soon
Ive changed my mind so much I cant even trust it
My mind changed me so much I cant even trust myself
"

5/4/09 10:38 am - I had a fantastic weekend


which I will detail now.

Friday afterschool Zack came over and we went out to dinner with my parents. Scary, right? But it actually went really well. No interrogations as I predicted, and it was all pretty chill.
And then Zack, Sara, and I all went to see Caroline or Change at the Guthrie, which was awesome. We went out for coffee at Dunn Bros. first (yum) and then the musical itself was fantastic. And afterward we sat on a big rock on the top of this hill, and looked at the river and the pretty st. anthony main lights against the night sky... t'was nice.

And then Zack made manitee mating calls with his program rolled up into a cone. That was weird. Haha.

Then Saturday was D&D which was fine exscept that it was only me, zack, arthur and jeremy. No colby, no jake, no michael. Ah well.
Then we saw X-Men Origins- Wolverine afterward, and that was sort of disappointing. Gambit wasn't badass enough. No french accent. And it just wasn't really all that fantastic. Good action.
It's hard to fit that much story into a small amount of time and make it work well. Also, I didn't feel very sad when Wolverine's Girlfriend died. Like, it moved in such a weird way that had I never seen any other X-Men things I wouldn't care for the characters at all. Like, when the bad guys did bad stuff, I felt nothing. When the good guys did good stuff, I felt nothing. The only emotions this mopvie could invoke in me were mild frusteration and a little excitement during the action scenes. Oh, and I was sad when that random old guy and his wife got shot. They were the only characters that seemed to mean much. You know, them and wolverine.

Sunday was fantabulous. Church was boring as all hell, but I  stuck it through. Afterward I biked down to Zack's, and we biked downtown and took the train to Lake Street, and I only got semi-lost on the way to the parade. And I could hardly see anything at the parade because we were sort of in the back and I am really short. But that was okay, and eventually we walked down the line of the parade and saw more and moved onto the festival. In which we layed on the grass in the sunlight for an hour. That was super nice. That feeling of dry blissful warmth is the exact opposite of a later event I am going to tell you about.

After that we were like lets go walk around and we did and I was hungry so I was like "lets go get food downtown on the way home!" and that was going to be fine and dandy. Except for these things:
1) I got lost-ish on the way back to the train station.
2) I had to break my twenty by buying a soda in order to get bus faire and not have to get a zillion dollar coins. And instead of having closer to 18% as I predicted I would have, I had more like 14.
3) Once we got downtown we had no idea where to go 'cause I had nothing in mind, and Zack didn't either and he didn't want to choose. So we ended up biking all over downtown and up and down nicolette mall. And he suggested we go to Chipotle, and I was like "But I don't like mexican." and it was just LAME. And eventually I was like "god dammit, lets just go to chipotle." So we went and it was closed. So we decided to go to the one by St. Anthony main, and we biked there and I had never been there so I didn't know what to expect. And we got tacos. And he got a soda, and I couldn't get juice because I couldn't afford it.... Holy shit. It was fucking expensive, which wasn't helping my progressive bad mood.
The tacos were good.

But that was it by then, my mood was ruined, and nothing he could say or do at that point was going to fix it, and by being in a bad mood I was going to be ruining his mood. Which I most certainly was, and I wouldn't start to get in a good mood again until my bad mood had affected him enough to get him in a bad mood, too.

We went on a walk to Ginger's part of the river, which is kind of close to Zack's part of the river. Which, to be honest, I only have bad memories of. Even the good ones are tainted with bad. Not to mention since they did construction on it it looks ugly as fuck. Which is sad. But.. yeah.

And we sat on the steps. and talked. Well, I talked, and he mostly just sat there. I don't know why exactly, but people being constantly laid back and chill and unemotional about every fucking thing drives me INSANE. Because I am so easily swayed by every turn of events, and I  feel strong emotions for almost everything. and It is so frusterating.

Long story short: we jumped into the really cold river. Which was pretty shallow so mostly it just got our legs.  It was so freaking cold. And then we splashed each other, which was also really freaking cold. And somehow our weird fight was fixed by that event. Weird, huh? It totally worked though. And I was supposed to be home like way before I ended up walking in the door. I was like, an hour and a half late.

Once we got out of the water, I needed to change into the dry-ish jeans i took off and put to the side and my sweater, but I  needed to take off my soaking wet cold clothes in order to do that, zack had to cover me up in this corner as I changed and squeezed the water out of my clothes.

It was just ridiculous. Ridiculously fun, but still ridiculous.

And we went back to his house and Colby wasn't back yet. So that was fun. Heh.

And then I biked home, with wet hair and uncomfortable sandy damp-ish clothing and it was fun.

Song of the day: Built to Spill- Twin Falls
 
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